I never intended for my blog to be all sporadic and spontaneous and stupid,especially being someone who obsesses over organization – but it is what it is so here is another in the moment post.
It’s been another really awful day to say the least and yet again I’m wondering why I’m idiotically fighting on even though I’m being attacked from every angle possible.
The shouting,slamming, screaming stressing, suffering,non stop talking, damaging,crying, breakdowns,fear,praying,nightmares, ocd, anxiety, depression, insomnia, unexplainable health conditions, curses, etc is something I’ve never written about in detail in my posts because it’s beyond complicated and I doubt anyone would understand so again in this post I’m focusing on just one of the plethora of issues I face on a daily basis and very unfortunately is getting worse.
I hate myself(a real understatement) most of all for being a burden to the three innocent members of my family who I love yet hurt unintentionally in the worst possible ways.
The embarrassment of still existing despite my failures is unbearable yet a tiny part of me tells me to be proud(what for I don’t know).
Applying for jobs isn’t getting any better. When I went to hand in a finalized application and supporting documents in store today I was told by a girl on the counter that the vacancy had apparently closed! Now trust me I’m used to everyday disappointments but this was particularly annoying because the specific website for this applicants for this role stated a much later deadline to today!Also I had 3 application forms(6 pages each x 3) printed because despite practicing on rough paper first I somehow managed to mess up more than once on the actual forms. That much ink is not cheap.The final one was fine. So after checking it through multiple times I sealed it into the envelope and addressed it to the store manager. I set off in decent time before closing hours today to enable me to hand in the envelope at less busier times.It would’ve been OK if it was worth it but what waste.Again.When I went after (an already awful day) and this happened and I was and am gutted but as usual I have to trust God and the Universe that everything happens for the best and blah-blah-blah.
When you’re already suffering more than enough and one thing on top of others keeps plaguing it’s difficult knowing what to.
I wish I could pursue an ambition I’m actually interested in and could definitely succeed in but life is cruel.
I’ve lost my already wonky train of thought so I’ll leave it here.
By the way,this definitely isn’t among the worst that happens to me so don’t get me wrong and do acknowledge that I know real suffering.
How much more must I be patient and not give up?
I deserve miracles and answers and solutions etc.
Believe it or not this post took me a long time to write so I hope at least someone reads it – If you do read it, think you can relate, or help then thanks truly!